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These awards were written by the Awards Commitee, consisting of Cady
Goldfield, Wendy Gunther, Janet Rosen, and Chuck Gordon. The special
award for Ivan was written by Jim Baker.
An award not presented at the dinner, but agreed to by the committee
afterwards, because of special circumstances: The "Houston, we have
liftoff/get me to the mat on time" award for an Incredible Journey by
any means possible to Mike Burke.
We want to start off this evening by presenting a very special Good
Housekeeping Host with the Most award, featuring from the Tupperware special
collection, containers for dogi, flops, hakama and weapons, to our local
coordinators, Maria and Lee Escobar.
A few short announcements....In a special ceremony held earlier this
evening, the Mayor of San Antonio presented Bill DeWitt with
the Ki to the City. Bill, of course, refused the award....
The "Golden Jockstrap" Award for best supporting role is a tie between
Sheila the Waitress and Skyler the Chicken.
Now on to the rest of you......in no particular order.....
The first annual "Karma Chameleon" meritorious conduct medal is
awarded to Wiley Nelson, who we understand is opening a chain
of martial arts homes for wayward women and reptiles. This award comes
with the suggestion from our panel of Pynchon fans that the next time
he obtains a pregnant iguana he names her gravidy Rainbow.....
The Gilligan's Aiki Island Award, in appreciation of his personal
sacrifice and efforts on behalf of his country, is awarded to Tony
Peters, better know to longtime listkas as the Exiled Ones; he is
hereby issued a pass good for a well-deserved and much-needed six
month holiday on a peaceful, remote tropical island.
The "Lutefisk Ate My Obi/ Aikidoka Most Likely To Do Kotagaeshi On A
Viking" Award goes to our expatriate aikidoka, Jim Acker.
And while we're discussing expatriates, the "Sweaty but Happy White
Pyjamas" certificate of merit for long term survival is awarded to
Michael Kimeda.
Don't know how happy our next prizewinner is to be sweaty. He managed to
migrate out-of-season AND completely miss Florida, but we are happy to award
"Snowbird of the Year" to Philip Akin.
The next award goes to a listka of the highest caliber whose posts are
always on target, author of "Plinking Mans Guide to Aikido," we award
the "why does this man need aikido?" certificate to Darren
Schroeder.
The "Jumpin' Jupiter! Its a KidneyStone" bouncer of the year certificate of
merit is awarded to Mike Hogan.
The "Sound of No Hand Slapping" ZenUkemi award is very quietly handed to our
hosting instructor Carlos Escobar.
The "Off You Go Into The Wild Blue Yonder" High Flyin' Uke Award goes to
Mike Callendar.
On a momentarily serious note, we would like to acknowledge the
efforts of Cindy Paloma, Gerry Santoro, and John
Murray. They were instrumental in bringing aikido and the =91net
together in a meaningful relationship so they share the Budo
Matchmaking Award; if we can find them, we do plan on presenting them
with a token of our appreciation.
The "My Goose Is Cooked--NOT, Watermelon of Death" Lifetime
Achievement Award for high kickin', high spirits, and hi, there,
Cady, this one's for you....
Every organization needs its foot soldiers, and in the case of
Aikido-L, this means a corps of people who can forge a path through
the morass of puns, risque jokes and political debates without getting
bogged down or distracted. In recognition of his exemplary behavior in
this regard we award the title "CyberRandori Listka of the Year" to
Alan Drysdale.
A group citation of merit for forbearance, not to mention fur-bearing,
above and beyond the call of duty, the Oh, CanaDOH!" award goes to
Philip Akin, Ben "B.L.", Michael Hogan, Mike
Kimeda, Stephane Larochelle, Scott Leslie, Bob
Moline, Neil McKellar, Jill Nielsen, Roger
Plomish, Howard Scott, Patric Senson, Alan
Shumak, Rajeev Venugopal, Tim Webb and of course
Rocky Izumi for having to represent their aikido countrymen and
put up with our largely Yank-populated and Yank-centric list.
Moving along, we next want to present some technical awards, starting with
the "Best Ukemi After Drinking a Bottle of Tequila and Three Glasses of
Manischevitz" which goes to George Gelman.
For his rare ability to combine the precise mathematics of engineering with
its artistic expression in the mechanics of aikido, the "Electro-Magnetic Ki
Field Research" Award goes to our resident engineering graduate student and
Irishman, Mark "Sparks" Dennehy.
The "Bury my Hakama at Wounded Knee" for ukemi above and beyond the call of
duty goes to Aikido-L's "On the Road Again" aikihobo, Tim Gion.
The "Keep on Truckin'" Aiki-Metaphor of the Year Award to Joseph
Toman, who is also being appointed chair of the Aikido-L Credentialing
Committee.
The Bella Abzug Memorial "Just (be)Cause" award, for her tireless
advocacy on behalf of aikido women against sexism on the mats
everywhere, is presented to Jill Green. In addition to this
honor, Jill is sharing an award this evening. The "Bronzed
Loving Cup" by Platex for the development of tit-emi is awarded to
Jill, along with Cady, Ivan and a host of others
we're too drunk to recall the names of....from the bottoms of our
bosoms, a sincere thanks to all.
The "Shhhh....Now You See 'Em Now You Don't" Lurker Citation of Merit is
awarded to Eric Sotnak.
And speaking of lurking, to Jon Dietsch goes the "I Remember
Much. Sayonara" Award for his long periods of lurking, punctuated by
occasional returns with his trademark post-sig literary quote.
The award for tenacity in the face of finality and the rare talent for
answering a question with another goes to: Eric Tilles? And why
shouldn't it?
Some people love and leave the List, only to return when the siren
song of an aikido-L seminar lures them out of hiding. The "Get Off
Your Ki-ster and Resubscribe" Award goes to Craig Hocker, who
thought nobody would remember him.
After being to a succession of seminars one after another, this
aikidoka still found the energy to gilve a session at the aikido-L
seminar and look like he was enjoying it! The "Seminar is a seminar"
award goes to Rocky Izumi.
The "Aiki-Avon Lady" Award goes to our favorite former-expatriate publisher,
Diane Skoss, for stopping by the list on occasion to plug her fashionable
line of reasonably-priced wares from the Koryu Press.
The "Virtual Martial Artist (tm)" award for perfect on-line blending
goes to "Uncle" Chuck Clark; get that man a mixmaster......
The "Bangers & Mash Sounds Like Some Kind Of Violent Atemi" Award goes to
Robert Cowham.
Our next award goes to someone who REALLY should get a REAL job, and
while he's at it, a shave, and some lessons in how to represent the
traditional and serious art of aikido in a more refined manner. So, to
Jim Baker we give the "The Wolves are Trying to Find A More
Serious, Dignified Sensei Beneath Our Window Award..."
This next award goes to a listka who has shown faithfulness and
determination far beyond that of ordinary humans. In fact, this individual
ranks right up there with some of the most dedicated and far-traveling
beings of all time: Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin...Benji. In recognition of his long
journey, all the way from far away Japan back to America in search of his
long-lost aikido dojo, we give the "Incredible Journey" award to our wayward
rover, Michael Hacker.
The "One Skirt's As Good As Another" award of merit goes to the developer of
the KokyuNage variation called the Highland Fling, the first human known to
successfully kiai into a bagpipe, the Skyler of the Higher Altitudes, our
very own Chuck Gordon.
The "Groucho Marx Seltzer Bottle Award For Excrutiating Punning" goes to
that indomitable Dominatrix of Drollery, Mistress of Mischief, Vixen of
Verbiage, Janet "What's the punchline?" Rosen.
There was some initial controversy about this evening's "Above the Law
Least Likely To Replace Steven Seagal Emergently On Camera," award,
but when all was said and done the decision was unanimous for
George Simcox. Oh, and did somebody mention a T-shirt for the
instructors?....
The "Aikidancin' Machine" award, for her innovative use of aikido footwork
on a crowded Boston dance floor goes to the girl from Brooklyn who could
show John Travolta a few moves, Maria DeRosa.
Staying in Brooklyn for a moment, "The Humble Servidor Award, for Not
Remembering the Name of Judy Garland for Eleven Hours (Estimated)" goes to
Gordon Wormser.
The Margot Fonteyn Memrial "Pas de Do" goes to Donna Grant. We
were hoping she'd be here to offer a demo of taking ukemi in a
tutu......
The "Johnny, We Hardly Knew Ye of the Aikido-L Archives" Award goes to
our dearly departed (for Tokyo) John Murray. John may be
gone from us in body, but his cyber spirit lived on for some time in
the form of mysterious "CRON Job" posts that found their way onto the
List.
The title of Official Shy Person and Aikido-L Seminar Lurker is
conferred upon the self- nominated Carol Shifflett, who will
now never know what award we originally had planned for her but who is
awarded a custom hakama with the Good Housekeeping seal kanji'd on the
hip, a belt loop for her geologist's rock pick, and special pockets
for laptop computer, garden tools, and sewing kit.
The Jung at Heart certificate of merit for her ongoing examination of
psychodynamics at the dojo is hereby presented to Krystal Locke.
The "Think Its Easy Doin' Nikkyo On a Longhorn By Spotlights?!" Aiki-Aggie
badge goes to Charly Oaks.
Speaking of Texas, the "Ann Richards Ain't Got Nothin' On Me
combination Cowboy Boot and Tanto Holder" is hereby presented to
Emily Dolan.
Keepin it local, the "He Waits With Baited Breath" Award for most
potentially offensive atemi goes to Texas' own Fish Lips, Kregg
Phillips.
The "Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain" citation, awarded
each year to the subscriber who demonstrates the largest plunge from
active posting to total lurking would be given to Matthew
Spriggs if we knew where he was.....
The "Hey, Ivan's not the ONLY Georgia peach around here" bumper
sticker goes to Darrell Tangman; c'mon step outta the shadows,
Darrell....Darrell???
The next award goes to the only person here who can cheerfully admit to
embracing the title of "Crabby Sensei", our very own Chesapeake Bay
retriever, Aiki-Tony Fontaine.
The "Leif Ericson Landed Here First Anyway, So There" lifetime
achievement award goes to our very own Norse deity, Kjartan
Clausen, to whom we are pleased to give this "Read the fucking
FAQ!!" plaque, perfect for delivering swift atemi to dim-witted
miscreants.
The Leo Tolstoy Memorial "Belabor the Obvious" certificate is awarded
to Mike Bartman; unfortunately we are unable to read the text
of the certificate aloud this evening as it goes on for 75
pages. That's without the footnotes, inserted quotes, and random
taglines, which added about another dozen pages last time we
checked.
The "Virtual Voice of Reason" prize is being awarded to Julian
Frost for his efforts to bring the same clarity and precision
on-line as on mat; reserved for him is the special commemorative
edition of Roberts Rules of Order, published by Shambala Press with a
forward by John Stevens.
The "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" unofficial Aikido-L toast goes out
to the blues fan of the Western Region, Jeff Frane.
The "Purple Prose of Texas" award for fiction and editing is awarded to
Elizabeth Shipp; I was going to go out and get her a trophy; however it was
a dark and stormy night when this dame with legs up to here knocked on the
door and......
The Sonny Terry Memorial "I Can Whup Yore Ass Blindfolded" Golden Harpkido
Award is doggedly presented to our one and only hellhound deity, Jim's
wolves notwithstanding, he's Red Hot and we've got him, Dennis
Hooker.
And speaking of more bark than bit, the "Most Hated--NOT!" certificate of
merit for over-the-top self-deprecation by a nice guy goes to Polo
Zapiain.
The CyberBikerChickSensei of the year award, for which we would be
presenting the all new Issey Miyake studded leather hakama if it could
have cleared customs, not only goes to Lisa Tomoleoni, but is
retired as a category in her honor.
The "Hi, Its Dave/Dave's Not Here" Award goes to
..... ahem..... Dave Raftery, Dave Shaw, Dave
Stacey, Dave Pascoe, Dave Lyons, Ofarrell,
Oleary, WILSON --- wait, Wilson, you're here, ok
there's that award out the window (throws it over shoulder) Speaking
of Daves...The You Asked For It, Sucker award is presented to Dave
Berger: a ticket to Japan, a Kanji primer, and a 55 gallon drum of
industrial strength Arnica gel.
The "Beeah Can Git You Drunk But SeidoCan Git You Happy" unAustintacious
teaching prize to Ross Robertson.
The "Stop The Presses!!!" Award for his Page One photographic appearance in
the Toronto Gazette, goes to the ever shy and retiring Alan Shumak.
A-pun my word, the next recipient is not a ward of the state who pries his
way into everything that merits recognition; he shows no sign of mental
a-trophy and can take quite a ribbon: The Aikido-L Cunning Linguist Award
for Punning in the Face of Competition Both Stiff and Lively goes to Rajeev
Venugopal.
Ivan, the personification of the physical Budo paradigm, and Avatar of
the cybernetic Aikido aethos, holds within the space of of his own
aura the crystalline prism which enlightens all our auras. His love
embraces even those whose benighted opinions would lead a Zen master
to say, "Gag me with a koan!"ter to say, "Gag me with a koan!"
As Ivan has so often said to me in private e-mail, "Within Budo culture, the
body becomes the locus that corporealizes culture, enculturates bodiliness and
displays a phenomenology, a panoply of modes of being specific to Ki. These
give rise to a semiology of the body, decipherable in its proxemics, kinesics,
and socio-tai-sabaki."
His own internal explorations and struggles with his past lives enlighten the
dark corners festering within the fetid soul, tortured in the pools of dismal
pits; black with the damned sins of countless specters. He rose, as a bubble
in a fart of Satan, cracking the crusty surface into the meadows ofwildflowers
as a bright butterfly of iridescenct connectedness, each a part of the whole
but each giving from its own center to the centeredness of the one.
We have a room near Ivan and I hope he won't mind my sharing with you the
affirmations we hear him chant each morning. I'd like you all to join me --
I am worthy to be a shodan.
I do look good in a dress.
I will wear pearls with my black hakama.
Fruit is good.
I will always stay on topic.
I hafve no need to flame, except when I think up a really cool snub.
I will not think fowl (Skyler) thoughts.
I can delete.
I will not stare at the panel's legs.
I always respect those of us who are merely women.
I do believe in ki, I do. I do. I do believe in KI.
What is the sound of no hands clapping: IVAN.
Well there's no surprises here. The long-awaited AikiSlut Award is hereby
officially awarded to.......oh no its an upset! For sleeping her way to the
top! the tramp! Dr. Wendy Gunther, the Sultana of Slash! is our
AikiSlut!!!
That leaves.....one award........the Beaver Cleaver All-American Boy
award, a collection of Pat Boon's greatest hits, including his cover
version of "The Wanderer", is proudly awarded to Jun
Akiyama. Well, Dennis wore out the Pat Boone record trying to get
the solos down, so we have this trophy for you instead, Jun.
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